A Thin Line Between Want & Need

I do not need anyone else in my life in order to survive. (Yes, you read that correctly.)

Let me word it another way. Simply because I love you - or - have created a friendship/relationship with you, doesn't mean that I need you. I am sure this sounds bitchy and that is perfectly understandable, but if we are going to maintain an honest relationship here - you will have to step in to my shoes for a second to see things from my perspective.

The misconception is that people need people. I disagree. When people let their need take over in a relationships, the independence and ability to stand on their own two feet begin to dissipate.

If we have a relationship of any sort – it is because of mutual desire to want to spend time. To want to make memories. To want to be intimate. To want to share their life with one another. I think that when the want-to-be becomes second to the need-to-be, not only do we lose the excitement of being friends/lovers/whatever, but we stand to lose a piece of ourselves in the process.  

This: I want to love you.
Not: I need to love you.
This: I want you to need me.
Not: I need you to need me.

Being married for the latter part of my adult life has had many more than its fair share of ups and downs. I have at many points re-evaluated my purpose of staying, and I have had to remind myself that the want HAS to supersede the need, otherwise we are set up for failure and at any point if I feel like I am there only because I feel like I need to be there … what I really need to do is decide if it is actually what I want anymore.

I watch many relationships/friendships become need based. When they come out of it, it is extremely difficult to watch them regain their sense of independence again. They are naked, vulnerable and somewhat lost as to what to do next and most often the need-based cycle repeats with the next person.

This is no way to live OR to love. How can you love someone else if you cannot remember to love yourself first?? Or you put everyone else’s needs before your own??? (I battle with this constantly)

Food for thought: Relationships as a whole are products of evolution and constant evaluation. If one or both parties involved forget this important piece, it is difficult to do damage control in order to salvage.

Refuse to Lose

Insecurity is ugly. 

I think I can speak for most of us when I say that we all have insecurities. They don’t have to be big drama filled moments, but even that split second when you readjust your dress because you noticed a tummy roll, or you don’t tooth smile because of the crookedness in a couple of your teeth, they are still inward insecurities.

It is okay to have them. I truly believe that real, organic confidence would not exist without them. I think we have to learn to accept the things we cannot change about ourselves, embrace them with the same kind of love we embrace the good things with.

As I get older, I feel less and less insecure in my own skin. It hurts my feelings to see others who still struggle tremendously to find the strength to not allow their insecurities consume their lives.

Especially in relationships.

The only thing uglier than inward insecurities are the ones that are projected outward for all the world to see. Obviously to be imperfect is human, and I am not perfect either (surprise) but there is this weird thing happening in regard to insecurities. More popularly on social media platforms.

I like to refer to it this way:

Social media is the fire hydrant and the insecure person is the dog taking a piss on it.

Look. I have been that person. I get it. In my fucking twenties. Consider your behavior. Consider who sees your figurative privates out. Consider how damaging to your relationship it is to blow up the spot like that.

Lastly – consider the relationship itself. If you are reacting in such a way, and you find this cyclical pattern to consume you, is this relationship worth perpetuating the drama in your own life?

Ooh. Probably not.

As mad as you might be for whatever the reason is, or as jealous you might be about this not relevant person in your significant others life … regardless of the baggage you have from previous relationships … remember that after all is said and done – you look like the insecure asshole.

Silence is deafening and it speaks louder than actual words do. Think about these words.

In many situations such as these where I very well could be an insecure asshole, I look at it like a game. The one who reacts first, loses. Big time. Being the fact that I am Monica Gellar … I would rather be silent than let the other person win. At the end of all of the bullshit – my stubborn refusal to lose the game in my own head has saved me from being the insecure asshole in more situations than I can count on all of my fingers and toes.

Maybe you should join me. 

Ebb and Flow

I have been thinking a lot about love lately.

Is simply loving someone enough anymore?
How well do I love others?
Do I allow love in?
Does love mean the same as it did to me 10 years ago?

I am finding that real love suffers an evolutionary process that many either do not anticipate or are not invested enough to withstand. The ebb and flow of love are like the ocean waves against the shore, and the waves themselves can be more passionate than others, depending on the moon and the tide.

The difference between love and the sea is that unlike the ocean, love can dry up completely if it is unattended. It is not self sustaining. Without a consistent interest in loves well being, the survival or revival becomes less likely over time.

I imagine the shipyard of broken hearts would be much less if we considered more of how we love others.

Casting Stones (Part 1)

I have been using the phrase “All I can do is love them through it” in some form or another more frequent lately than I ever have before. I say it a lot because it is difficult to watch your closest loves going through hard times, especially when you watch them repeat the same things that lead them to hard times in the first place.

It is easy to be the one holding a bag full of casting stones when you’re not the one encapsulated, isn't it?

This random thought happened when I was mid “all I can do is …”  the other day. I wondered how many people who have loved me longer than 13 years have repeated a similar sentiment. Because I have been in inside the House of Repeated Poor Choices for what feels like a significant portion of my adult life. When I look around, the same faces surround me.

Except – they seemingly have left their bags of casting stones outside and have come inside where I am standing.

Loving someone through something means actually grabbing their hand and walking next to them.

Not watching them from outside.